My God is bigger than you.
You do not have a hold on my life.
You are nothing.
Yet, you are everything.
Yes, there are days where I don’t feel like doing life because of you. There are days where you drain me mentally, physically, and emotionally. There are even days where I am not able to get off the couch because I am in so much pain. The times that you strike are always the worst, and always inconvenient. You are gross. If you were just a cold, I’d be fine with it. You came into my life at the perfect time, which prevented me from joining the military (praise God), but you have taken so much. It’s true, I don’t have it as bad as others, but I can’t help but imagine how you will effect the rest of my life. In these times where I start to worry and start to feel defeated, my God reminds me that He is bigger than you. That He heals. That He is true. That I am loved, cared for, and sought after. That He calls me Daughter. That He has a plan for my life. That you, Crohn’s, even you, are a part of His plan for me. That I can praise Him through this and that this is the best opportunity to bring glory to my Father’s name.
Thank you, Crohn’s. You have given me the opportunity to serve Him and trust Him to the best of my ability day to day. My faith is made stronger through this pain. I choose to praise Him even when I am not feeling well. Even when I can’t get off the couch. Even when I am embarrassed that I have to use the restroom so much. Even when it becomes hard for me to love on people because you make me feel like crap, and it’s hard to love people when you feel like crap. I choose to look to God for my strength each and every day. I trust that God has a plan for my life, and if that means having you as a part of me forever, then so be it. You do not define who I am. You do not choose the path for my life. You will not overcome me. My God is bigger than you and He is for me. He loves me and He continues to show me grace. He has chosen me.
So I will continue to spend my days fighting to live well in order to love well. I will love people and show them Jesus, despite feeling like I just can’t do it. I will fight through it, because my God fights for me. I choose to live to the best of my ability and to choose joy. To remain in the joy of the Lord. To care for others and love them continually as if they are my own. Because this is what I am called to do. To share the good news and to reach God’s people, his children, despite how I’m feeling. My God gives me strength and He will continue to do so.
Crohn’s, as much as I dislike you and wish you were never a thing, I’ve learned so much from you. I don’t have it as bad as others, and I’m thankful for that. But I consider it a blessing to have you, because without you, I would be in a completely different place in life. I wouldn’t be who I am. Because of you, I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask God the hard questions. The why’s. The what ifs. As far as my future goes, I choose not to worry about my future with or without you, because God has it completely under control. He has a plan. He will provide.
The one choosing joy
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4